


sea of stars

by teddygirl105



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Metaphors, Overthinking, References to Depression, Stars, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25105366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teddygirl105/pseuds/teddygirl105
Summary: Sometimes, Hyojin wants to join the stars.
Kudos: 28





	sea of stars

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to my first fic for the onf tag! i definitely did not plan on having the first one be this dark and touchy but i ended up unintentionally venting and projecting into this fic and i ended up rolling with it
> 
> **please read the tags before deciding to read this fic.**

There are times where Hyojin wants to join the stars.

There are days when he drifts off, his mind floating away and leaving his body on autopilot. Days where he burrows himself under the covers and closes his eyes, not wanting to get out of bed. Occasionally, days where he stays up all night, not able to sleep no matter how hard he tries.

Days where he isn't sure who he is anymore.

Those days, he wishes he could float up into space. To curl up into a ball and close his eyes, floating in the universe without a care in the world. He wants to know what it feels like to be so free, and to glow so bright that the human eye can see it from light years away. 

"The stars?" Minkyun repeats, sitting next to him on the practice room floor. They're practicing for their It's Raining stage together, working out any kinks and uncertainty. It's not too late into the night, and they're just about to end when Hyojin voices his thoughts to Minkyun. "Why join the stars?"

Hyojin shakes his head. "I dunno." he whispers. He takes another drink of water, blankly looking at himself in the mirror. He's never been sure the reason why. "To be beautiful?" he questions.

Minkyun frowns. While he can't exactly decipher Hyojin's cryptic words, he knows self-deprecation when he hears it. "Why join the stars to be beautiful when you're already beautiful enough?" he softly asks. "Have you seen the amount of people who have fallen in love with you because of Road to Kingdom? They've known you for mere minutes and they'd already protect you with their life."

There's a small smile that forms on Hyojin's face as he recalls the comments and posts that he's read. There are many that compliment his looks, as well as his charisma when performing. They're all heartwarming.

"I know." he finally murmurs. "It just feels like there's something missing. Or that their words aren't sincere. Meanwhile, the stars are always beautiful." Hyojin can't help but grit his teeth. All people have seen on the show is a face covered in pretty makeup and contact lenses. Of dusted eyeshadow and painted lips. Sure, Hyojin prides in his small face and his looks, but will his fans still like him without the makeup? Without the filters that he uses whenever he takes selcas because he hates how uneven his skin is?

Minkyun slings an arm around Hyojin's shoulders, making the eldest jolt out of his thoughts. "No words can describe your beauty, hyung. You're breathtaking from head to toe, to your eyes, nose, lips, and to your face." he speaks, gazing up at the ceiling. "You'd outshine every star in the sky."

Hyojin allows himself to grin, gently elbowing Minkyun in the ribs. "Alright. I'll stay here then." he laughs, and Minkyun returns his smile.

"Good. I don't know what I'd do without you."

::

One tired night, Hyojin and Yuto are working on their final stage with the others. This is the second all-nighter in the week that they've had to pull for this stage, and Hyojin isn't sure what's the difference between his left and right anymore. Everything is running on pure muscle memory.

Finally, they're finished practice. It's already 6 am in the morning, but none of them are willing to grab breakfast and instead want to sleep the day away. While the others are already leaving, the eldest and the youngest are still lying on the ground.

Hyojin forces himself on his feet, packing his things and slinging his bag onto his back. Yuto soon follows, looking just as tired.

"Yuto-ah," Hyojin starts, his voice gravelly. "What would you do if I joined the stars?" he mutters out, forcing his eyelids to stay open. Yuto barely registers his question, but turns towards him.

"The stars?" he repeats. "Why would you want to join the stars?" he asks, helping Hyojin stay on his feet as they leave the company.

"Mmm, dunno." He pauses for a few moments, the cool night air waking him up briefly. "So I can shine real bright."

Yuto chuckles at his answer, but becomes solemn the more he turns the answer in his brain. After a little bit of thinking, he tightens his grip on Hyojin's sleeve.

"You're already so bright on stage, hyung. You don't need to be a star in order to shine bright." he explains. "Have you seen yourself perform? Everything you do makes you shine."

Hyojin just hums, leaning a little more into Yuto's shoulder. "One day I won't shine anymore." he says, his tone of voice light despite the topic. "I'm becoming older, Yuto. I'll have to go to the military, and then what? We'll all take our turns, you'll be all alone, and when we come back, what then? Will our Fuses still love us? Will we still be able to shine bright when our light is fading away?"

Yuto isn't sure how to answer him. He knows that Hyojin is tired and sleep deprived, and that his mind isn't in the right place at the moment, but his words hold _weight_. His tone feels like it's been something that he's been thinking about for a long time. Yuto wonders how long Hyojin has been wondering about this for. His worries are certainly justified - despite other groups that have debuted in the same year, they don't have much in terms of comebacks and a name for themselves.

"There are many seniors much older than us that are still active, hyung." Yuto starts, "And we're growing. The more we grow, the brighter we are. Even if you guys leave for the military, it isn't like our light is snuffed out immediately. With our Fuses, we glow. With each other, we glow."

He looks at Hyojin, an endearing look on his face. "Besides, I won't let your light die, hyung. Not while I'm still alive." he adds.

Hyojin's face scrunches up into a smile and he laughs, breathlessly resting his head onto Yuto's. "Oh, our youngest is growing up so fast!" he sings. "You're so selfless, Yuto-ah. This is why hyung likes you the most."

Yuto just smiles back, shifting his weight so that Hyojin can lean on him more.

::

It's on a nice, hot day that Hyojin and Jaeyoung are sitting in one of the smaller meeting rooms together, a notebook and pen in front of themselves. After their interview together with Hwanghyun for News1, the two of them have decided to sit down and do a bit of lyric writing.

The air conditioner buzzes, a steady stream of cool air circulating through the room. It's just enough to cool them down, but not too strong that it'll give Hyojin a cold. It fills his mind with its white noise, and he finds himself focusing on that instead of the paper in front of him. Quietly, he rests his head on his arms.

Jaeyoung, on the other hand, is at ease. He hums to himself, occasionally writing a bit here or muttering a line there. As focused as he is, he isn't oblivious to how Hyojin is zoning out, fiddling with the pen in between his fingers.

"What's on your mind, hyung?" he asks, taking a moment to pause and sip on his drink.

"Hmm?" Hyojin hums, looking up briefly before laying back down. "Nothing much." he answers, eyes leading back to his notebook. There's nothing in it, except for the doodles of stars along the margins. "The stars, I guess." he mutters.

"The stars?" Jaeyoung repeats. "What about the stars?" Now he's genuinely curious as to what's on the eldest's mind.

"If I can join the stars."

That statement makes Jaeyoung furrow his brow in confusion. He's never heard Hyojin talk about the stars like this. He's a fan of the universe and all that, sure, but joining the stars? That was a first.

"It must be nice, being a star." Hyojin continues, slowly drawing on his paper again. "You get to float in space all day. So high in the sky, just floating there happily for the rest of time. You don't have to care about anything at all."

Jaeyoung thinks. "You… want to float?"

"Yeah. Be free. It must be nice being so light, don't you think?" he questions.

"Well," Jaeyoung starts, still unsure on what to make of his words, "surely there's a reason why we're grounded to begin with. Why Earth's gravitational pull keeps us from floating up into the sky. Unlike birds, we weren't born with anything to allow us to fly. Sure, we have airplanes and stuff, but those aren't permanent. You, me, everyone else, we're grounded for a reason. We all have a purpose on Earth."

He stops, licking his lips. There's something he's missing here.

"To float away to the stars means that you'll leave us, hyung." Jaeyoung eventually adds. Gently, he places his hand on Hyojin's arm, eyes averted to the grain of the wooden tabletop. "I'd miss you a lot if you did that." he murmurs.

"Oh, you sentimental man." Hyojin smiles, patting Jaeyoung's hand. "Thank you, though."

Jaeyoung tries to smile back, but it's forced. It still feels like there's _something_ that isn't being said, and he isn't able to figure out what it is.

"Anything for you, hyung."

::

Hyojin wakes up with a start. He doesn't shoot up from his bed. He doesn't yell. His eyelids just open up abruptly, a cold sweat covering his body.

Blearily, he gets out of bed and pads to the kitchen, careful not to wake anyone up. It's early in the morning, too early to be awake when they've got no schedules for the day. Hyojin has a glass of water, before going out onto their veranda for some fresh air.

This isn't the first time he's woken up like this. His sleep hasn't been good for a few weeks now, as he finds himself waking up in the middle of the night often.

Silently, Hyojin notes how the sun is beginning to rise.

He takes long, deep breaths, forcing himself to intake more oxygen. With his fatigue comes a sense of being unable to breathe, like a weight is on his chest. Hyojin has to take control of his breathing in order to not feel like he's about to pass out.

He isn't sure how much time passes on the veranda. In a blink of an eye, Mapo-gu is covered in an early sunlight that makes everything glow. It's a sight to behold, and it makes Hyojin aware of the figure that steps next to him.

"You're up early." Changyoon comments, leaning against the veranda railing. His hair is still a mess, and the rasp in his voice tells Hyojin that he just woke up.

"Couldn't get back to sleep." is all he replies with. They stand in silence, watching their neighbourhood begin to wake up. There are people taking an early walk with their dogs, joggers warming up before beginning their route.

"Do you ever think about joining the stars?" Hyojin suddenly asks, making Changyoon turn his head towards him.

"What for?" The latter moves to rest his chin on his arms, taking in Hyojin's side profile.

"Who knows? To be alone?"

Despite being half asleep, Changyoon dwells on Hyojin's words for a long, long time. It's not until the birds start chirping that he finally begins to speak. "You were alone on the veranda before I came. What's the need to go to the stars in order to be alone?"

Hyojin takes in another breath, closing his eyes. "The stars are light years away from us, away from each other. Here, I'm still close to people. I still feel boxed up even if I'm alone here. It must feel so nice to be alone in space. There's nothing but you up there. No one to judge you, no one to watch your every move. Don't you think?"

Changyoon doesn't respond. Not because he's sleepy, but because he doesn't know _how_. How Hyojin speaks makes his stomach twist in uncertainty and worry. It's like he doesn't care anymore, like there's a fatigue set deep within his bones that can't be solved by a good night's rest.

"You know that we'll always be here for you, right?" Changyoon finally speaks, ignoring his question completely. "There's no need to hide, Hyojin. We can help."

He lets out a breath. Straightens up from his spot on the veranda and turns to go back inside. There's a pause as he looks back towards Changyoon.

"I don't even know if I'm here for myself."

::

Hyojin and Seungjun sit on opposite ends of the couch, cross legged as they face each other. Both of them are fiddling on their phones, too immersed with what's on their screen to talk to each other. The others are all at the company, so it's just the two of them in the dorm alone.

"Seungjun." Hyojin suddenly calls out, making said man look up from his phone. "I want to join the stars," he says.

Unlike the others, Seungjun scoffs. "The stars? Why join the stars when we're already here?" he jokes. "You can't just deny us of star status, Hyojin."

His friend doesn't laugh back. "You know what I mean." he mutters, which quickly makes Seungjun sober up.

"You told me you wanted to join the stars when we were 18." Seungjun turns his phone off, putting his full attention towards Hyojin. "I realized what you meant and stopped you. Why again?" he asks. Hyojin shrugs.

"I don't know."

"Surely there's something. Tell me how you feel."

Hyojin takes some time to collect his thoughts. He too, sets his phone down. "I feel empty." he starts. "I don't feel like enough. I just want to be alone so I can wallow in my thoughts. Every day I wake up wondering why I'm still on Earth. I just want to float to space."

"You are enough. If you feel empty, then I'll make you feel whole again. I'm not leaving you alone, Hyojin." Seungjun's hands tighten into fists. "You are not. Joining. The stars. Not now, not ever."

Hyojin narrows his eyes at his friend. "You can't stop me."

"I'll force you back down." Seungjun hisses. The air begins to grow tense, both members unwilling to back down.

"I'm tired, Seungjun. Do you know how hard it is for me to get out of bed sometimes? Do you know how hard it is for me to smile for the members?" Hyojin's voice grows louder and louder, eyes filled with anger. "I can't do this anymore! I'm so damn tired of trying to be happy when I can't even tell what brings me joy anymore! I-"

"Shut up." Seungjun growls. "Shut up! I know, okay? I've known since we met and I still know now! Please, Hyojin," he begs, his voice wet and desperate. "I don't want to lose you. I almost lost you then. I don't want to lose you now."

Tears begin to flow down Seungjun's cheeks, and he angrily wipes them away. "I know you're tired, but please. Stay alive just a little bit longer. Please. For me. For the members. I don't want to be haunted by the fact that my best friend killed himself and I couldn't do anything to help."

Hyojin bites the inside of his cheek, a wave of realization washing upon him. Seungjun shuffles forward so that their knees are touching, and gently holds Hyojin's hands in his.

"It takes time, Hyojin. It takes time to heal and it takes time to grow. We'll help you through this, so please. Can you do that for me?" he whispers. There are still tear streaks on his face, Hyojin notes.

He swallows, trying to find his voice. "I… I'll try." he finally croaks out, feeling a tear slip from his own eyes.

A shaky smile forms on Seungjun's face. "That's better than nothing."

::

Hyojin tries.

Since then, Seungjun hasn't left his side whenever possible. If he isn't there, then it's one of the other members. They all do their best to make him smile, to keep him company, to talk. Anything that distracts him.

Eventually, he finds a healthy way to cope and vent through lyric writing. Jaeyoung helps him write, and Minkyun teaches him how to compose and produce. Them and the others support him through and through, proud of his growth.

He doesn't realize it at first, but Hyojin feels himself becoming whole. He doesn't feel as lost or as tired. He feels like he has meaning again.

There was a time where Hyojin wanted to join the stars. To close his eyes and never wake up.

Now, all he wants to do is live. To be able to wake up to a new day and smile.

Besides, he has his stars right next to him.

**Author's Note:**

> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/teddygirl105)   
>  [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/teddygirl05)


End file.
